First of all welcome to all new subscribers, I’m delighted and honoured that you are here. If you want to know what to expect from me you can visit this post.
I infuse this community with love and light with the intention that all who come into this space have a positive and uplifting experience. Together we are a mighty force of beings raising consciousness for the highest good of all. And so it is.
If it’s your first time here then you’ve joined as I am currently sharing a window on a period of transition, which has found me in limbo, making some beautiful and some messy discoveries and insights and surrendering to what is on many levels.
A new home on the horizon, the shifts into New Earth, a new version of myself that I am getting used to. Like having stabilizers on your first bike. I’m not sure I’m ready to go it alone just yet. I will just keep checking behind me to make sure that there is a hand to keep me steady.
Another week staying at my in-laws and I’ve noticed that small events become big events when they are your only focus. An insignificant occurrence that would have passed without comment becomes a lengthy discussion. So far we’ve had phone calls in the middle of the night, which I’d quickly dismissed as a scam, for it to turn out to be a neighbour who had fallen.
Then there were the mice in the attic. I never again want to hear the sound of a small creature gnawing at something in the middle of the night. For a few minutes I thought I was in a horror movie. Two small mice captured (humanely) and released back into the wild after one VERY sleepless night.
Anyone else who would be rapidly googling spiritual meaning of (in this case) mice in the attic? Before I moved out of my old house I found a dead mouse on it’s back, right outside my front door. It looked so out of place, I thought it must mean something. Anyone in my lovely community able to give me any insight or just a coincidence?
It did get me thinking that maybe this focus, which keep you involved in one curiosity at a time is a good thing. How may times do we rush past things and put them in the ‘done’ pile, too eager to move onto the next thing. Can we slow down time by putting more attention onto something, before we discard it, before we move on, before we get caught up in the daily fray of the world outside?
I’ve also been caught up in two funeral processions through the village, one in the car and one on foot. The one in the car was easier to deal with, slow down to a respectful distance. The one on foot led by a horse drawn carriage, a bit more awkward. Do you slow down, speed up, stop? In the end I stopped and stood with a lady until it felt it a sensible distance to continue. All new things for me to navigate. I haven’t googled this.
Time Travel
I found myself ensconced in my makeshift bedroom and it immediately took me back to my childhood bedroom. I spent a lot of my childhood in my there. It was my place of sanctuary, where I read, made up stories and felt safe. I took care of it meticulously with my collection of soaps, miniature trinkets and carefully chosen peach accessories.
I practically hid from the rest of my family and I never felt like I belonged. The underlying tension of alcohol addiction and mental illness constantly bubbling under the surface made me put up my defenses and claim the safety of my bedroom. When am opportunity came up to move to London when I was 18, I didn’t hesitate even when it meant leaving the love of my life at that time.
One ear out listening for raised voices, a hyper awareness that I’ve since learnt is one that is common with people who have experienced childhood trauma. Making sure you know what move you need to make next and you know where all the exits are.
The soundtrack of my dads snoring as he worked nights and would often be asleep when I was awake. I’d learnt the art of keeping myself as still as possible, one that has taken some time to let go of. It is not lost on me that some of the things that I have needed to work through, could only have been addressed by placing myself in similar situations. It has at times been uncomfortable confronting those smaller, younger parts of me, but I know that I am working through them for the strong medicine woman, goddess, wise woman to fully emerge.
Of course we are all at different stages in our life, we had different experiences and you might not be ready to look at these yet. Listen to yourself, take care of yourself and take full responsibility for your own wellbeing.
What aspects of yourself only emerge in situations that replicate those that you are avoiding?
How can you safely work with your inner child to let them know that it’s ok to emerge?
What is the space that you need to hold yourself in, what guidance and support do you need to be able to see these parts of you as the divine sees you?
Interdependency
We rely on people to take care of us when we are younger, but if we don’t feel as though our emotional needs are met, we become a warrior of survival. We will do it alone, we will do it without any help.
What I’m coming to realise is that feeling cared for, which at the fuzzy end is feeling loved, has always been an alien place for me and I have rebelled against it until it goes away and I get to fight alone again. I have been able to do that by happily pointing out to anyone that tried to get close to me all the ways in which I don’t feel I deserve to be cared or loved for.
There is the smallest opening of a window allowing others to care for me and ‘gulp’ loved without this feeling that I’ve let the resilient, fiercely independent part of myself down. I wasn’t expecting to be quite so vulnerable today, but I am here and it’s flowing and so it is.
It feels like a necessary layer to shed, if I am to understand the interconnectedness of everything. The truth is that as a human race we should be able to rely on everyone including Mother Earth and all her creatures. The way she wishes to rely on us. To give back, to love unconditionally. The movement that we make, creates a ripple effect, which means that our willingness to open ourselves up, to be seen, helps the next person do the same. It gives them the courage, it gives them the permission and it allows them to open their own small window. To let in the chink of light, to allow them to breathe easier for a moment.
What’s a vulnerable share that you could bring to the forefront to help others open their window?
I’ll leave you with the sound of spring in the UK, looking up through the pergola in the garden through the grapevines and listening to the evening birdsong.
Take your own moment of pause, a moment to connect with all that has brought you here and all that will carry you forward with ease and grace, even when you feel lost, afraid and alone. You have everything and you are enough, because you need nothing to be.
Blessings of love and light,
Louise x
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Wow, I saw this post after it was re-stacked and it spoke to me at the most perfect time. What really stuck with me, was how my own vulnerability could open the window for others, this means letting others see my messiness without the expectation that they'll meet me in it, but the sharing of it for myself, for them (even if not verbally/physically returned), is still an act of unconditional love. I loved how you shared about your childhood bedroom, it's funny that as I type this I find myself back staying in my childhood bedroom (Saturn return transition madness 😂), yet my childhood bedroom is now my office, and how it still holds the space it once did. It's like I'm inviting the child inside to step into my business and writer world and bring along her light, the light I've forgotten to see for a long time. Thank you so much again for this post. 🌼
Louise I relate to the need to not rush things just to check them off the list, getting them in the "done pile." An ongoing reaching ahead into the next moment. But what about this moment. Is it that awful that it can't be felt and met? At times, I admit, it does feel that way when vulnerability becomes like fingernails on a chalk board. I want to escape the moment. Yet where ever I go, I take me along, even if it is simply into the following moment. Taking a breath, breathing in. Stepping out of the horizontal moment of past and future into the verticality of being here. Even if it is challenging, inviting me to meet what is arising.