Big Mistake. Big. Huge
"Keep on dreamin"
First of all welcome to all new subscribers, I’m delighted and honoured that you are here. If you want to know what to expect from me you can visit this post.
I infuse this community with love and light with the intention that all who come into this space have a positive and uplifting experience. Together we are a mighty force of beings raising consciousness for the highest good of all. And so it is.
Whilst I am still in a suspended animation state of not having quite left there and not quite being here, this weeks in between post popped up from an unlikely source.
I watched Pretty Woman over the holidays and apart from it just being a brilliant film, it’s those iconic moments that stick in your mind. I wonder if the fact that if you put your head to one side there are poignant places in it that many people can relate to, is the reason why it’s so magical.
For years I have blamed other people for the way things have turned out. It’s not therapy that got me there. “I’m very angry with my father” cost Edward (Richard Gere) 10,000 dollars in therapy. It was the slow dawning and hours and hours of metaphorically wrapping myself in Julia Roberts legs, as in squeezing myself so tight with love that I couldn’t help but see things differently.
I have been that person that walked into a shop and apologised inwardly for being there. I have shrunk myself down to size, if I’ve walked into a space where I feel as though people are better than me, which before I did the inner work felt like most of them.
I’ve felt as though I’ve not belonged, because I haven’t said the right thing or wore the right outfit. I didn’t believe that I deserved more or better. I’ve been working on my abundance mindset and energy a lot recently. A particular set of beliefs came to mind from my childhood.
Although we seemed to be comfortably off, my dad ran a successful business, until he didn’t, there were things that we did that seemed at odds with having the money.
We got secondhand presents, not that I minded that. I remember a set of roller-skates that I loved and a bicycle that me, my mum and my sister shared. I never quite seemed to have some of the latest things that my friends had and shopping trips for clothes were rare, mostly hand me downs. My mum saved some of her housekeeping and Family Allowance diligently, so that we got Christmas presents.
We did go on some really nice holidays, but they always seemed to be fraught with disaster. Illness or accidents, my mum once being dragged along by a donkey in Tenerife. It felt as though the stress of my dad having to be away from his business, almost always outshone the happier times.
Of course looking back I was incredibly lucky and grateful for everything that I did receive. Yet from the outside looking in, there was money, but there didn’t seem to be enough of it. It felt as though it definitely proportioned in the favour of my dad and that having nice things were for rare occasions.
That’s on top of the fact that as an alcoholic, what I observed was that all that hard earned money only ever ended in things going pear-shaped for him and for the rest of us. You can see how these patterns have been coming up as something that I’ve needed to release.
Money is meant for men, you’ll get nice things if you’re good, there isn’t enough for everyone, it probably won’t last and relying on men to provide. I imagine that these aren’t uncommon amongst people who grew up in the same generational household as me.
Whilst I have been financially independent all my life, the entry into entrepreneurship initially became the rocky rollercoaster of relying on someone else for money. There have been times when I’ve had to take extended times out to heal. This left me feeling vulnerable and surfaced some of those shaky beliefs, that wouldn’t have been present otherwise.
It’s all in the process of coming into complete alignment of who I am, who I’m here to serve and charging what I’m worth. It’s the getting uncomfortable, before you get comfortable.
Going back to Vivienne, it wasn’t until she could see what was possible, that she could truly begin to believe that there was something better for her, that she was already enough. Until she believed that there were good people in the world, that would help her work on the self-belief and self-worth that she needed.
She was prepared to walk away if it was just about the money, because she’d had a glimpse of what loving yourself enough to have the nice things in life felt like and she could choose a different route. The closing of one door opens the possibilities to so much more.
We have many collective patterns of lack and scarcity that have ruled our world so far. They are dissolving along with the systems and the organisations and the hold that the people with all the power have held. This year let’s unapologetically give ourselves permission to have it all. To spread the energetic wealth, to support each other, to honour our worth, to create the inner and outer wealth that is there for us all.
I am ready to claim all that is my divine birth right. To be unapologetic about who I came to be and “I want the fairytale”. Let’s just be clear, I’ve never been a lady who hangs around on sidewalks, but I have shamed myself for not being good enough, for believing that that was my lot, that was my destiny. Now I’m dreaming big. We all have to “keep on dreamin”.
Blessings of love and light,
Louise x
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I am always amazed how much we are shaped by these "collective patterns." Waking up from the lies and seeing the manipulations for what they are is powerful and incredibility helpful! AND, for me, at times even this isn't enough to remove them. But it's the start, it shines the light on them, loosening their grip. I find the unlearning has its own ways and timing. Its visceral, primal and alchemical. Feels like it needs to be this way to restructure the nervous system and the physical holdings. And maybe why Vivienne's legs were so healing to Edward. Back to the physical.