A Lone Wolf

Wild and Free

Photo by Hans Veth on Unsplash

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There is something that I don't often see people talk about that happens when you are progressing on your spiritual journey.

That it can be very lonely. That it can feel like people just don't get you. That you find yourself experiencing things that you can barely comprehend yourself, let alone explain to anyone else.

At the point where you start to unravel the parts of you that have been limited or blocked, healing and doing the inner work.

Your outer world starts to change. Familiar people and places start to fall away and you find that you feel as though you are losing more than you gain.

You've not yet met the people who will understand what the heck you are talking about.

You might find yourself resurrecting all those old fears of being abandoned, rejected, left out, the odd one as well as the odd one out.

I often compare it to the idea of a lone wolf and that you need to be prepared to walk the path on your own for a while. Finding inner strength you didn’t know you had, foraging for snippets of information, but mostly being reliant on your own navigation system.

Whilst as first this may be daunting and scary, I also personally found it quite liberating. Four years ago having worked with a spiritual mentor for a year, it felt as though I wanted to tread the next steps on my own. As the saying goes “when the student is ready the teacher will appear. When the student is truly ready, the teacher disappears”

Of course I felt like I’d got my training wheels on again, but I deliberately drowned out the voices of other spiritual leaders, even the ones that I greatly admired and relied purely on my soul guidance. I still made mistakes, I still felt lost, but I knew that I could keep coming back to one place and getting one version of the truth.

That’s hard when you know that there is a very different agenda to the one being played out. I lost count of the number of times I said ‘thank you’ when I’d get information that just seemed ridiculous. Whilst muttering under my breath about crackpots and then that very thing coming true, weeks, maybe months later.

I should have ‘keep going’ tattooed somewhere as this is what I always find myself whispering to myself and it feels as though Wonder Woman appears, puts her hands on her hips and says ‘let’s do this’.

Occasionally I’d join ‘spiritual groups’, because I thought I should and after about ten minutes scurry back out again. I also once joined a woman’s world who was pretty well known for what she did and managed to last a week there. She wanted to convince me to stay, I couldn’t really explain why it wasn’t for me, I just knew it wasn’t.

It’s ok to rely on your own wisdom, it’s ok to not be understood in circles where you expect to be. Eventually I started connecting with people, who I could create the kind of relationships that I wanted to with. I needed to go through the transformation first, otherwise I suspect I would have found myself scurrying off again.

It’s a balance, it can feel like a a sacrifice and if it happens, it’s at the right time for you. I love people, I love connecting with people, now I know it’s with the right people.

A Lone Wolf

A lone wolf stands above the canyon with the bright, white, light full moon overhead.

All she hears is the sound of her own breathing, the slight movement of grasses in the breeze.

She sniffs the warm night air mingling with the scent of the desert, a dry, earthy scent that carries whispers of the night.

She lets out a twisted howl to Grandmother Moon, who smiles in recognition. She lets out all the anguish, the pain, the guilt, the shame and the loneliness.

Instantly there is an echo of sound across the valley and it reverberates around the canyon walls seeming to go on endlessly.

A chorus of sound that starts off with melancholy to rise into a crescendo of celebration, a joyous release, a cry of freedom.

The lone wolf has shapeshifted into a woman, a wild woman.

She stands fully in her power, red paint across her face, feathers in her hair, holding a pointed spear into the air.

She screams into the silence that has descended.

“I am warrior, hear my cry, I will not stop until I die. I will protect my soul and that of others. My red, white, black and many coloured sisters and brothers.

I have been silenced for too long, I have been tame and shrank because of who I had become. I will not back down this time, I will fight for the peace of my nation,

I will not be taken down, I have the strength of a thousand ancestors, the voice of many. It speaks volumes, it speaks the truth, it speaks of what has come to pass.

I can rely on Grandmother Moon, I can rely on the river of silver. Of all the stars that shine brightly many are my star ancestors, who watch over me every night.

They are the ones that prophesiced great change, they are the ones that predicted an end to it all. A return to the old ways, a return to the ancient ways.

I am proud to represent them and I bring you messages of hope, of peace as I allow the wildness to emerge, I will be heard, I will be heard.”

Blessings of love and light,

Louise x

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